Jen Cheng’s Guide to Picking up Asian Women

Jen Cheng, being Asian as fuck.

It seems as though some men have been infected by what is known as “yellow fever.”

Urban Dictionary defines “yellow fever” as the following:

1. A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of Asian descent.
2. An infectuous tropical disease carried by mosquitoes.
I am referring to the former in this situation.  Why are so many infected by yellow fever though?  If porn has taught me anything, it’s that Asian women are submissive, dick sucking machines that will make you blow multiple loads and make you sandwiches immediately after.  Well Gents, thank God I am here.  Let me guide you into landing your very own exotic Princess of the Orient.

The other day, while I waited in line at Subway, thinking about that meaty footlong that was going to enter my mouth, a man in line in front of me turned around and gave me the up and down.  Lesson 1 in picking up Asian women, DO NOT EVER do this.  Actually… I guess this applies when attempting to pick up any woman.

He then took a step closer to me, invading my personal space in an overly packed Subway.  I took a step back, and he took yet another step closer to me, clearly not picking up on the fact that his hot breath on my face wasn’t giving me a lady boner, “Hi, are you from Taiwan?”

“Um, no dude, I was born in Calgary.”

“Oh, I was just in Taiwan you know, and you look like you’re from Taiwan.”

“Um, cool.  I’ve seen the inside of the Taipei airport.”

“But you’re not from Taiwan?”

“Um… no.”

“Well you really look like you are, I’m going back there soon.”

He then proceeded to talk about Taiwan for 6 minutes.  I should’ve just left, but the smell of freshly baked Subway bread had me by my balls.

“So where are you from if you’re not from Taiwan?”

“I was born here, in Calgary.”

“But what are you?”

“Excuse me?”  I wasn’t sure how to answer this.  Ewok?  I’ve always wanted to be an Ewok, they’re fucking adorable.  What else was I?  Female, offended, fantasy football super star, snowboarder, weight lifter, dirtbag …. I’m a lot of things.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me.  In fact, it’s probably the 500th time this has happened to me.  A random non Asian dude will come up to me, ask me if I’m from some Asian country, then proceed to tell me that they’ve been there and tell me all about it, ignoring the fact that I am clearly uninterested.

Step 2: Do not automatically assume that just because I’m Asian, that I’m from an Asian country and not born and raised in Canada, even though I have the stereotypical Asian girl bangs.

Step 3:  I probably don’t care that you’ve been to (insert Asian country here).  You’re trying to pick me up.  Make this about me and my sweet ass.  Ask me how much I can squat.  I’ll be more inclined to talk to you.  Hell, I’d even be more receptive to a cheesy pick up line.  Let me give you some examples:

“If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.”

“Are you a parking ticket?  Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.”

“I want our love to be like pi – irrational and never ending.”

“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”

So if you want to be neck deep in Asian pussy, I suggest you use one of the above. Trust me, as an Asian woman I know these things.

Other techniques involve growing out a beard, rolling up to my house on your Harley with a pizza for Sunday football.  If you’re a true romantic, that pizza will be in the shape of a heart.  Bitches love it when you offer them heart shaped pizzas. You’ll come to my place, offer to crack my back and watch Raiders and Packers games with me.

Ok, I’m going to be honest, most of this shit won’t work unless you’re trying to pick me up.  In the instance that you do meet a proper Asian girl that has just immigrated from Asia, I promise you, NONE of this shit will work.  I have no idea how to pick up those girls.  I imagine Hello Kitty accessories are probably a good start.