Happy Calgary Stampede! Don’t Be A C*nt!

Calgary Stampede 2015 is among us!

The smell of mini donuts, booze, piss and vomit permeate the air….. Some would argue it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

I think I go off about this every single year.  Being born and raised Calgarian, I have a love/hate relationship with the Stampede.  I have fond memories of the Stampede from when I was a kid.  My parents would put me in a little cowboy hat with the whistle attached, maybe throw on a Sheriff badge, and we would head down every Family Day (before 9am of course, because it’s free admission), and I would ride the Dragon Wagon to my little heart’s content, eat cotton candy till my tongue was blue and “win” the crappiest prize from the “pick a duck” booth; and let us not forget the mini donuts.   Give me all the mini donuts.

At some point during my adulthood, Stampede just pissed me right off.  Now, I don’t hate the Stampede itself, I hate what it brings out in people.  Who could hate 10 days of free breakfast?  I love the energy of this city and how everyone gets excited and people are out all over the place having a good time.  I LOVE that part of it.  That being said, a large portion of the population turns into a raging piece of shit during Stampede.

I don’t give a shit that you’re wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and a plaid shirt that probably only see the light of day during these 10 days, you’re not a cowboy, so knock off the obnoxious shit.  Ladies, I get that you’re trying to be sexy with your short shorts, but there is nothing sexy about your labia hanging out of said short shorts, just flapping in the wind.

Suddenly everyone is a tough guy.  I see more fights during the 10 days of Stampede than I do the rest of the year.  Seriously, knock it off, we’re all here for a good time.

If you’re going to be a slut (male or female), wrap that shit up.  STIs and unwanted pregnancies are also at an all time high during these 10 days.  Come on, you’re not NORMALLY that stupid, so why are you suddenly brain dead?  Also, if you do decide to sleep around, be prepared to deal with the consequences of sleeping with some super awful people because you were too drunk to know any better and the self loathing that will surely accompany you the morning (maybe even a week or a month) after.

Whoever coined the phrase “It’s not cheatin’, its Stampedin'” should be kicked in the dick (perhaps I am being unfair in my assumption that the phrase was coined by someone with a penis).  If you have made the decision to enter into a monogamous relationship with your partner, then stick to your guns.  I’m not sure who decided cowboy hats make cheating acceptable behaviour, it’s not.  However, if you’re in an open relationship, have at it, but like I mentioned above, wrap that shit up.

Can someone explain to me why people will wait HOURS and pay $30(?), $40(?), to get into Nashville North, The Cowboys Tent, Wildhorse Saloon or any of the other pop up bars?  Oh hey, I can’t wait to get into that humid tent that reeks of booze, piss and vomit and pay 4x the price for a drink that I would normally pay at any other bar the rest of the year and spend excessive amounts of money and get ripped off by the giant titted beer tub girl as I get progressively drunker.  WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?  It’s some sort of phenomenon that can’t even be explained by science.

The way I see it, Stampede shouldn’t be an excuse to be a cunt.  If you’re not normally a cunt the other 355 days a year, don’t be a cunt for the next 10.  If you’re always a piece of shit, good for you, keep up the good work.

Stampede should be fun, so let’s keep it that way.  I love this city, so let’s not turn it into a giant cesspool please.

Maybe I haven’t been the biggest fan of the Stampede because I have spent the better part of the last several years living in  near complete sobriety.  Maybe I’m just getting old and shitty, I don’t know what it is.  Maybe if I just continue drinking like I used to when I was 20, I’ll fit in better during the next 10 days.

If you need me, I wouldn’t look for me at the Cowboys tent.  If any of you see me there, hell is freezing over.

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